‘Bones’ Finale: What the hell was THAT?
Source: Zap2it.com Recaps
Remember when some Obama press conferences threatened to bump this episode of “Bones” to next year, and fans raised a stink to make sure we got to see it? Perhaps our president was just looking out for us…. Yes, “Booth” and “Brennan” get busy — naked busy. Yes, they proclaim their love for each other. Yes, “Zack” returns. Yes, we see all the various lab assistants, and Jared is there, and Max, and Carolyn… and none of it matters, because it’s either Brennan’s new book (which she wisely deletes) or Booth’s coma-induced hallucination. Possibly both. What it isn’t is any good. “People say you only live once — but people are as wrong about that as they are about everything else.” So sayeth Hodgins’ voiceover, which ushers us into some B&B nookie. They’re smiley and happy and the bom, it chicka-wows, for about 5 seconds. But this Booth isn’t our Booth, and this Brennan isn’t our Brennan, they’re married nightclub owners, and a body is discovered in their club — “The Lab.” Just about all the recurring characters we’ve run into are connected to the club in some way:
- Zack = Brennan’s assistant
- Wendell = the club’s “doorman”/Booth’s heavy
- Fisher = the club’s chef
- Vincent Nigel-Murray = the club’s DJ
- Angela = the club’s hostess
- Hodgins = a pulp mystery writer who frequents the bar
- Sweets = a bartender and aspiring musician
- Daisy = a… slutty girl who has some unspecified role at the club and no rhythm
- Cam = a detective
- Jared = Cam’s partner — and he’s still Booth’s brother
- Max = a corrupt councilman
- Carolyn = the club’s lawyer
- Clark = C-Synch, a rapper and MC who wants to play the club
- Arastoo = a Persian real estate magnate who wants to buy the club
- Gormogon = the name of Sweets’ band
- The Gravedigger = a potentially mythical mobster who controls the city, and has Max in his pocket.
The dead guy was found in the bathroom, knocked out a shot in the head. Brennan — Bren in this incarnation — was working late but heard nothing. Cam thinks she must be having an affair, but of course she’s not because she and Booth — here it’s called Mr. B — are so very, very in love. The dead guy is was a mob heavy. Was he sent by The Gravedigger to intimidate Booth for not paying protection money? Was he sent by Arastoo to intimidate them into selling? Was he sent by C-Synch or his gangster brother to intimidate them into booking him in the club? Was he pulled bodily from the nether regions of the writers’ after a particularly bad Jägermeister-and-hot-wings binge? Who knows?
Everyone at the club thinks Mr. B did the deed, because he loves Bren so very much and would do anything to protect her. So they go about obstructing justice 3in various ways — Zach handles the gun, which he finds in Vincent’s DJ equipment, destroying any prints that may be on it. Angela neglects to show a map of the club she drew for the dead guy — she wants to be an interior designer, so…. she draws floor plans of existing clubs on napkins?). Zack and Sweets hide, then destroy, Bren’s coat, which was used as a silencer. The list goes on.
After some banter and a few clues — Max says Jared works for The Gravedigger! Cam says Jared has a thing for Brennan! Max tells everyone not to use cell phone, because They can track your every movement! — Bren, Mr. B and Cam figure out that Jared was the culprit. He killed the mob heavy to protect Bren, because he loves her. He looks like he’s going to commit suicide by cop/Cam, but Bren gets between them and convinces him to put down the gun. Then Mötley Crüe plays, and it looks like Jared will walk for lack of evidence, and everyone lives happily ever after.
All of which served to kill time until we got to the big moment — our Brennan, the real Brennan, at the real Booth’s bedside when he wakes up. The operation was a success, but he had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and he’s been in a coma for four days. Booth talks about how real that weird dream he just had felt, then looks at Brennan. “Who are you?” Dun dun DUN! Wait, they had to give us 43 minutes of pointless story just to get us to that one moment? Really? Sigh.
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
- The show apparently hoped to distract us from the train wreck of a script by giving us some decent lines and some fun visuals. We see Booth in a sleeveless shirt, and later in his boxers and a shirt. He also sports a fetching pink robe at one point. Brennan is working the four-inch stilettos and pencil skirts.
- Bren is still very logical, while Mr. B is all emotion
- Fisher, on Zack’s reaction to discovering the body: “He screamed like slutty girl number one in a teen horror flick.”
- UnSweets on his employment: “I’m a bartender. I’m practically a psychologist!”
- UnCam accuses Bren of being a cold fish. Mr. B disagrees — “What you are is Iceland — cool to the touch, but underneath you’re all volcano.”
- UnVincent, when he and UnZack find the gun: “I’m English. We don’t use guns. We use our foreheads.” He also describes UnZack as “the type of moron who goes to jail for a murder he didn’t commit…”
- UnVincent on his prospects after arrest: “I’m not going to fair well in jail. I’m lovely.”
- Mr. B: “should I be upset that everyone thinks that we’re murderers, or just happy that everyone is trying to help us get away with it?”