On Desperate Housewives‘ sixth-season finale, there were a bunch of bad guys on Wisteria Lane. Gaby found herself in serious danger when her friendship with Angie put her at odds with Patrick Logan. Both Sam and Orson presented Bree with ultimatums. Lynette went into labor, with only crazy Eddie to feed her ice chips. And Susan’s bad guy? Oh, that’s her husband, Mike, whose boneheaded financial decisions rendered them homeless. Plus: A new mystery was revealed and a familiar face returned.
Eddie tells Lynette that he’s the Wisteria Strangler and her water breaks. Meanwhile, while Lynette is in mortal peril, Tom is hungover. He sees Lynette’s car outside Eddie’s house and assumes she’s mad at him for getting drunk. He knocks on the door and when she doesn’t answer, he thinks she’s giving him the silent treatment and leaves — which means that Eddie is going to have to deliver Lynette’s baby.
A squeamish Eddie discovers that the cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck. He remedies it and delivers a baby girl. Once it’s over, Eddie decides to leave, but Lynette is an idiot and convinces him to go to the police. While they’re waiting, she asks him to hold the baby. [Insert “I give up” hand gesture here.]
Bree tells Orson and Andrew that Sam knows about Mrs. Solis’ death, so she’s going to give him her company. Andrew says he’ll take responsibility for his crime, and it’s funny that nobody takes note of the fact that Orson was in the exact same position about two seasons ago. But Bree is resolute in her convictions, and she turns the company over to him — but not before she tells him that her fortune is not going to buy him happiness.
Orson finally points out the obvious, that Bree has two men in her life guilty of vehicular manslaughter, but only one has done the time for his crime. He’s disappointed that she doesn’t expect as much of Andrew as she did of him, because he loved her for expecting more of him. So… he decides to leave her.
Bree asks Andrew to turn himself in, and then she decides to tell Gaby what happened. We don’t see how Gaby reacts, but this will presumably resonate into the next season.
The Delfinos are having a yard sale before they move… and Frau Farbissina is there for some reason. She’s lowballing Susan on something or other, and I suppose it’s meant to show that things are tough for the Delfinos and that they will be ostracized by their affluent neighbors. But they’re definitely moving out, but first they accidentally sold M.J.’s T-Rex to Roy. They go to try to get it back, but Roy has already given it to his deaf grandson. So they can’t take it back. Susan tries to teach M.J. a lesson about life — things don’t always work out the way you want them to, etc.
Mike recognizes that Susan’s little morality play was really about them losing their house, and she finally blows up and tells Mike she blames him for ruining their life. It’s kind of emotional, and it makes me suddenly realize that Susan and Mike won’t be living on Wisteria Lane next season. But they present a unified front as they say goodbye to the ladies and drive away.
Gaby tries to sneak into Nick’s hospital room by pretending she’s Angie, which allows Eva Longoria Parker to break out a Brooklyn accent in a scene she should submit as her Emmy tape. Hilarious. (One quibble: It’s not “zitty”; it’s “zee-tee,” Eva.) But it works, and she springs Nick from the hospital. Unfortunately, he loses consciousness when they get to the house, so Gaby has to go it alone.
She recruits Susan in her efforts. While Susan knocks on the door, Gaby sneaks around the back of the house. She rescues Danny, but… (see below)
Angie builds a bomb for Patrick, and he wants her to accompany him to Oregon. He tells her he’s going to put the bomb in the trunk while she says goodbye to Danny, who’s tied up in the bedroom. But instead, he puts the bomb in the linen closet at the Bolens’ house. And then they leave.
But Patrick lets her in on his little secret as they’re driving away, just before he detonates the bomb. With only 30 seconds until the bomb explodes, Angie starts off in a mad dash to save Danny and then… she stops, turns on her heels and says, “It’s in the detonator.” And then — kaboom! — Patrick’s car explodes. Angie and Nick are leaving Fairview, with financial help from Gaby. They’re taking a bus to Atlanta, since even though Patrick is dead, they’re still on the run from the FBI. But there’s a final twist: Angie and Nick let Danny go to New York to be with Ana. Aw.
Former maternity nurse Teresa Pruitt has a secret, and on her deathbed, she’s telling her clergyman. The priest tells the hospital administrator and it causes a ruckus. One of the attorneys says he knows one of the families involved in Teresa’s secret — “they live two blocks from me, on Wisteria Lane,” he says. It’s then that we learn that Teresa’s secret was that she accidentally (or intentionally?) switched two babies at birth. We know that Nurse Pruitt helped care for Susan’s, Gaby’s and Lynette’s babies, but who do you think the switched-at-birth Wisteria kid could be? My money’s on Danielle van de Kamp, since it’s shifty that they didn’t show a scene of Nurse Pruitt with Bree, and let’s face it, that kid is the worst.
Ack! Guess who’s renting the Delfino house? It’s Paul Young, Mary Alice’s creepy jailbird husband. “I guess everyone will be surprised to see you again,” Lee says as they sign the rental agreement. “They absolutely will,” he replies menacingly. Oh God, these people again!
What did you think of the season finale? Was the resolution of the Bolen mystery satisfying? Were you sad to see Orson leave Bree? Or Susan leave Wisteria Lane? What “P” name do you think Lynette will choose for the baby? Why do you think Paul Young has returned? And do you miss Katherine as much as I do?