Castle Season 3 Finale Recap: 3.24 “The Knockout” Captain Mongomery Killed, Beckett Shot, Castle Says I Love You

‘Castle’ finale kills one, maybe two cops and exposes a dark secret

Source: Zap2it.com, 5-16-11

castle-stana-katic-season-3-finale.jpg They are dropping like flies.

Season 3 of “Castle” promised to end with death, but we may have just gotten more than we bargained for.

The first big departure came somewhat predictably in the last act — after a game-changing revelation, naturally — but the real shocker was reserved for the final moments, when another series regular was seemingly felled.

But how did we get there? We start, as we do with most noteworthy “Castle” outings, with looming mystery of Beckett’s (Stana Katic) murdered mom. She goes to meet the mystery killer’s imprisoned associate Hal Lockwood –as she so often does — only to find that he’s been transferred to less secure facility where another accessory the conspiracy/murder, Gary McAllister, awaits his silencing execution.

Since even people in prison for murder can still be tried for another murder, Lockwood has a late-night hearing where something looks suspicious.

Now, did we accidentally stumble into a cold war thriller, or did the season finale of “Castle” actually include a helicopter breaking a gangster out of a New York City court room? It sure did. And with the closest known associate to Johanna Beckett’s murderer on the lamb, the hunt pushes Beckett back into the danger zone.

This does not sit well with Castle (Nathan Fillion). He tries to get his partner to back off, but she snaps. They fight, he even brings up the cuddles and unspoken-of kiss and then they appear to sever their partnership — but it can’t possibly last. They did that last finale.

While all of this is going down, Montgomery (Ruben Santiago-Hudson) makes all sorts of foreboding comments, fatherly references and general red flag type statements that lead to the correct conclusion that he’s going to die. What it did not prepare us for was the revelation that he’s been part of the Johanna Beckett conspiracy from the beginning.

Oh yeah. That’s right. We’ll wait for you to affix your jaw to the rest of your face.

Turns out Montgomery was an unwilling accessory to the evil-doing. He accidentally shot another cop, made the wrong friends and ended up employing the woman who’s mother he was tangentially involved in murdering. He promised the still-unnamed villain he’d keep an eye on her, in exchange for her safety.

But he’s been doing a bad job, so a freed Lockwood pays him a visit and makes the situation clear:  either Beckett goes down or the entire Montgomery clan gets murdered.

He arranges to meet with Beckett — while Esposito (Jon Huertas) and Ryan (Seamus Dever) do some sleuthing of their own, turning up evidence that puts Montgomery in the middle of the crimey web. Ryan is the first to point out the damning info. Esposito gets real mad at him for questioning the chief. The world’s shortest bro fight ensues, and Esposito concedes that they need to tell Beckett.

But she’s too busy having her world turned upside down by a confession from Montgomery, who hasn’t sold her out at all. He’s drawn Lockwood to the hanger to kill him and spare Beckett and his family. Only he makes two very big mistakes in the process.

1.) He does not tell Beckett who killed her mother, saying she won’t be able to control or protect herself in possession of the information, so she can’t have it. Lame.

2.) He dies.

He did get forgiven before he went though. It’s sweet, but we bet she would have really forgiven him if he’d told her who the killer was. Beckett, Castle, Esposito and Ryan agree that the truth about Montgomery never come out. He’ll die a hero.

And at his hero’s funeral, Beckett even delivers a eulogy… for two!

We see her in the cross-hairs, just as Castle spots a laser sight, and though he dives to save her, she takes a bullet to the chest. There’s blood everywhere, and her eyes roll back into her head, leaving her presumably dead and us extremely anxious until some unknown date in September when the show returns.

Could Beckett really be dead, though? Of course not. Unless there are some plans to kill off most of the remaining cast and reboot the series as a multi-generational “Cagney and Lacey” starring Susan Sullivan and Molly Quinn, she’ll be just fine.

The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Finale Recap: “As I Lay Dying” Elena & Damon Kiss, Stefan Goes to the Dark Side

Vampire Diaries Episode: “As I Lay Dying”

Source: TV Guide, 5-12-11

Season 2, Episode 22: Episode Synopsis: The second season concludes with lives hanging in the balance as the consequences of the sacrifice ritual become clear. Meanwhile, Damon recalls memories of Katherine in 1864 during a town-square viewing of “Gone With the Wind.” Original Air Date: May 12, 2011

The Vampire Diaries Episode Recap: “As I Lay Dying”Season 2, Episode 22

Can you believe it’s already the season finale of The Vampire Diaries? While last week’s episode proved to be pretty epic and extremely tragic, it was hard to imagine the finale would top it.  But it did.

Damon tries to apologize (rather sincerely I might add) to Elena for making her feed on his blood and says, “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I need it.” Elena tells him she needs time. So, off Damon goes. He takes a drink and then stands in the sun with his ring off and burns. Stefan shows up to rescue Damon and tells him he cannot kill himself. “What’s the plan, Superman?” Damon jokes. Even while dying he’s funny!

Klaus wakes up and Elijah is there with him. It’s been two days, Elijah says, since Klaus went on a rampage, and during that time he learned he can change at will from a wolf to vamp. Elijah asks where the bodies of their family are, but now that Klaus is super-hybrid powerful, getting that answer won’t be so easy.

Stefan fills Elena in on Damon’s wolf bite and says that because he made Damon turn in the first place, he owes it to him to find a cure. So Stefan goes to find Klaus, because Bonnie learned from channeling her witches that he’s the only key to a cure. Figures. Stefan first goes to Katherine’s, but soon after, Klaus and Elijah walk in. Just as Stefan pleads for their help, Klaus turns around and stabs his brother. So Elijah dies yet again, but this time I’m pretty sure it’s for real. Oh, Daniel Gillies, how you wouldn’t even hint that to me. Klaus reminds Stefan about the guy he used to be and although Stefan says he hasn’t been like that in a long time, Klaus says that’s the kind of vampire he wants to work with. Then, Klaus bites Katherine from his werewolf side, but then feeds her blood which makes it go away. The cure is Klaus’ blood. Of course it is.

The most annoyingly frustrating character of the night goes to Sheriff Forbes who first takes Elena hostage, and then tries to go after Damon. She finds Damon in the Grill with Jeremy and goes to shoot him, but Damon quickly moves leaving Jeremy with the wound. Caroline and Bonnie soon show up and Caroline tries to feed him her blood to save him as her mother watches in shock and despair over what she’s just done. Bonnie takes Jeremy away into her witch lair and attempts a spell to save Jeremy. She soon learns the witches are angry with her, but Bonnie pleads for her ancestor Emily to help. As the lights flicker out and Bonnie begins to bleed, Jeremy’s eyes open to reveal the power worked.

Back at Klaus’ place, he bottles up his blood for Stefan to prove that he might think of giving it to him if Stefan does as he’s asked. Klaus tosses him a bag of blood and makes him start drinking. After consuming bags of blood, Klaus says he wants them to leave town together and Stefan then essentially makes a deal with the devil. Klaus tosses his bottled blood to Katherine and tells her she can bring it to Damon.

As Damon is on his deathbed, Elena is by his side, even though he had just bitten her, mistaking her for Katherine. “All those years I blamed Stefan, no one forced me to love her. It was my own choice… Tell Stefan I’m sorry,” Damon says to Elena. He also tells her that he deserves to die but that he’s OK with everything because if he had chosen a different path he never would’ve met her. Elena forgives him and Damon finally says I love you, without compelling her to forget. “You should’ve met me in 1864; you would’ve liked me,” he says struggling for every breath. “I like you now… just the way you are,” she says. And then the moment many of us have been waiting for, Elena gives him a kiss. Not a passionate, “take me now” kiss, but one that shows she really does care for him. Too bad Katherine arrives and ruins the moment. But the good news is she has the blood. She hands it over and tells them that Stefan has sacrificed everything.”Good thing you have Damon to keep you company,” she says before adding, “It’s OK to love them both; I did.”

Klaus has his minions put Elijah in a casket and then tells Stefan he has a gift for him. He brings out a girl and we all know what’s about to go down. “I want to make sure you’ll honor our deal,” Klaus says as he bites her and then tells Stefan to do the same. And he does. Stefan bites into the innocent girl, kills her, and as he looks up it’s almost as if he has the slightest smirk remembering how good the human blood tastes. “Now we can go,” Klaus says.

In the final scene, Jeremy wakes up and gets out of bed upon hearing noises. As he walks down the stairs, Vicki (who died in Season 1) is following him, and then Anna (who also died) shows up. Jeremy sees the dead vampires and calls out their names. Is he dead? Is he a vampire? Is he a witch? Is he dreaming? What is he?

Greek Series Finale Spoilers & Recap

‘Greek’ creator Patrick Sean Smith on the series finale you didn’t see and chances of a spin-off

Source: EW

Patrick-Sean-SmithImage Credit: Toby Canham/Getty Images; Karen Neal/ABC Family[SPOILER ALERT: Do not read this if you haven’t seen the series finale of Greek] The end is here, Greek fans. It’s okay, go ahead and shed a tear (or ten!). Like the KT house, our gang from Cyprus-Rhodes is gone.

The good news? We’re not quite done yet. Now that you’ve seen the series finale, take one last look down memory lane with this chat I had with creator Patrick Sean Smith, where we break down (in complete and total geeky detail!) the series finale. P.S. — If you thought you were the only one who smelled a spin-off…guess again.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: I’m very upset cause I just watched the finale and I’m so depressed and sad…
PATRICK SEAN SMITH: Yay! And you’re welcome.

We’re gonna miss it so much. I don’t even know where to start but I guess we should start with the thing that is going to have everybody sobbing, which is the tearing down of the house. Why, why, why? Why did you do that to us?
To give a little backstory, we kind of came into the fourth season with a gift. We all thought that we were done at the end of the third season. So when I was writing the spring break episode, “All Children Grow Up,” I kind of thought we were done. We actually shot a series-ending flash-forward scene in the event that we were done and we also had the season-ender. Fortunately, our ratings went up in the third season, and people kind of rallied for the show, so we never had to show that. We kind of went into this next ten [episodes] saying “This is a gift. We have these next ten episodes to wrap it up as opposed to just trying to do it all in a flash-forward.” I was trying to figure it out what really is the heart of the show. There were so many memories and moments and emotions that had gone on through the house. I kind of had always committed to the idea that they saved the house in the end and everything is fine, but it was so obvious, it didn’t feel Greek, didn’t feel special enough. So about halfway through the ten I contacted the line producer and said, “I’m thinking about something crazy and tell me we can’t afford it, but I want to tear down the house.” And she was like, “That is crazy. But it’s also brilliant and let’s figure out how to do it.” It felt shocking, but it also felt like the show a little bit and it gives some hope post-the show and if our characters find the hope post-the house to say the spirit of KT, as with the spirit of Greek is not solely resting in this house, as it doesn’t have to be resting in this show it can live on past the series finale.

So the interior set actually got torn down by a bulldozer?
We tore all the sets down ourselves. We filmed it. I believe the DVD will have some behind-the-scenes stuff, ’cause I believe people were filming it. That was really the last thing we shot, for obvious reasons. We’re not doing any pick-ups or re-shoots, for obvious reasons in a torn down set. It was crazy. It was really cathartic and emotional and so many of the cast showed up for it, to see it and the writers and producers so it was, like…a very powerful ending for us as well.

You mentioned a little bit about a flash-forward that didn’t air. How was that different from what we saw?
The flash-forward was to Rusty’s graduation. At Rusty, Rebecca, Dale, and Calvin’s graduation. We also reveal, at the end, that it was Cappie’s graduation as well. The idea is that he stuck around for two years, and I’m pretty sure this will be on the DVD, so people will have the opportunity to see it. It was our undergrads — who were then graduates — two years later from when we left off at spring break with Casey coming back from GW to see Rusty’s graduation and then being reunited with Cappie and them kind of having a drink of hope at Dobbler’s at the end to show that as a game-changer for them. And Ashleigh was back from New York and Evan’s married. It was just one of those flash-forward to reunion-type thing were it was all tied up that way.

Speaking of all the characters, let’s rewind a little bit and break down the stories. Let’s start with Cappie and Casey, obviously. I loved how they were embarking on this unplanned journey together, just going into the sunset. How did you come to that ending?
I always knew I didn’t want to end the series with them getting together because we’ve seen that too many times. So we definitely made the choice to get them sooner with the hopes that the astute audience would be like, “What, they’re getting them together now in the middle, and by the end they’re gonna break them up so they’re just getting them together to break them up again!” But for them, I like that uncertainty but the power in them being a couple to know that they’re gonna get through anything. I didn’t want to tie everything up too much. I like the power of this couple, as it is with anything in life, to say, “I have no idea what’s gonna happen next but as long as we’re together I know we can weather it.” So I love that for them because it’s kind of the spirit of their relationship through the series is, “We’re together, but we’re sorta not. As long as we’re in each other’s orbits, things as gonna be okay.”

How was it writing this ending for this couple for you?
I was good. It was fitting; it was emotional. I think the Rusty/Casey of it all got me a little bit deeper. ‘Cause that’s been so much of what the series has been to me was this brother/sister finding each other, so I loved that we could end it and avoid doing the flash forward to just say “And they got together!” But to just see in the last couple of episodes Cappie grow up and to see him be worthy of Casey and to see that he’s worthy of an adult relationship and one that’s kind of built to last — it meant the most to me. And we’re saying that they’re together but to spend the last couple episodes to show that they are gonna be okay together. That they’re gonna grow together.

Speaking of Rusty, we ended with him as the President of the frat, with this new, beautiful girlfriend. The world has completely changed for Rusty from when we first met him as this little geeky little brother. Tell me about that — why you decided to give him this awesome amazing life that he totally deserved?
It was tough because I wanted to show growth in Rusty as well. I wanted to push the characters as far forward for me as possible, knowing that I’m never going to get to write them again. To me, it was to have the experience of seeing them grow up and know that they’re gonna be okay in my mind. With Rusty, I wanted to grow him up. I was inclined to make him the cool guy, to make him the Cappie guy, but it felt false and it felt like a bad message to say that Rusty has to completely change to be worthy of a happy ending for himself. So I kind of liked retaining a little bit of his nerdiness, but to also show a little more confidence in him. When we started talking about a Rusty/Ashleigh relationship — which we’ve always kind of hinted on in the past, but was never kind of truly my original vision for those two characters — it was that we need to step Rusty up enough to make him worthy of somebody like Ashleigh, to make him worthy of the presidency, but still maintaining who he is. With the finale, in my mind, I thought of transformation in the identity of Kappa Tau under Rusty’s leadership, to say that this is a bit of an underdog fraternity, but with the spirit of Rusty to say, we can get through anything. Cappie was always avoiding trying and being the cool slacker place, and with Rusty at the helm, this fraternity is going to embody Rusty’s spirit. So I was happy where we ended him without having to completely change him.

Did you mean for the ending to seem like the beginning of a spinoff?
Not consciously. When it looked like we were done at the end of the third season, I obviously was very emotional, just about how much I love the show, and how much I love working with everybody. But the thing I was missing the deepest for me personally and selfishly was the characters. I never wanted to end the series with “It’s done,” final nail in the coffin. It’s probably a little open-ended in my mind just so the characters can live on in my imagination. And should there be a spin-off, so be it! But yeah, I just didn’t want to end their lives in this. I wanted to feel that there was a progression and a continuation for all of them. In saying that I hope there could be a spin-off, it’s certainly not from feeling that the network is ending us abruptly. They didn’t — they gave us this final ten to wrap up the series, which again, meant so much to me, it meant so much to the cast, everybody came back with this appreciation of this final ten. Because you don’t get that in TV. I don’t want to burden them with more red cups being sent in again and again.

Let’s talk Dale and Laura.
You know, I wanted — when we were looking at this is the final ten, we talked about, What did everybody want by the end of this? And I felt like we never really got into Dale, as much as I would have liked to over all the time. When you’re juggling eight characters — I loved the stuff we did with him, but we never really got into his romantic life. And I liked the idea of this guy saying, “I need to find the best girl, because I need to get married before I graduate from college.” I grew up in Texas and went to school in Texas, and I know in my time period, a lot of people were getting married during college. And I liked him putting that pressure on finding Mrs. Dale Ian Kettlewell, and he had two years to do it — which also felt like a nice motivation for him to get into a fraternity, which he had always been on the periphery during the series. And with Laura, I just love the character, I love the actress, I loved just how snarky and mean she was. It just seemed like that would be the perfect girl that Dale would end up with in a way that would challenge him, as opposed to getting somebody who’s a little too subservient, too sweet. So there was always something that I really liked about the fire in their relationship, and that they didn’t like each other but they wanted to be with each other.

So in your mind, did they get married?
I don’t know if they did. I don’t know, I haven’t given too much through past where we ended [all the couples], I guess.

What about with Evan? I felt like he really ended on an uncertain note.
With Evan, I always felt interested in what would be the thing that would make him friends with Cappie, and I feel like Casey was always there, and his feelings for Casey would always be there. I felt like by the end of the series I wanted to see him get over Casey Cartwright, like, officially. And I also wanted to see that story of him coming to terms with his parents and the limitations of their relationship in a way that he’d stop acting out from that. And I also liked finding an occupation for him that he could focus all of his darker energy on something that is productive, which is a lawyer, from time to time. But he was able to find something productive or constructive with that ability to look past the means and get to the end, and that’s real. That’s adult life sometimes. So with him, I did see — I will say that I did see Evan and Rebecca getting back together. I wanted to keep it a little bit open just so that it wasn’t, everybody take the hand of their partner and do the curtain call at the end, with your respective mate. But I always did imagine that those two worked really well together and that they could grow up together and benefit from each other.

Evan ended the most “adult” character, I think.
I can’t help but read the message boards and people’s response, and I know that they’re upset right now to see him be such a jerk and how harsh he was to Rebecca. But I wanted to earn that dip to make his rise feel that much more exciting, to be an adult and a grownup.

So tell me about Cappie’s name and his major. They were finally revealed. It sort of reminds me of finding out Big’s name was John on Sex and the City.
Yes, yes. There was just something in Captain John Paul Jones and “only begun to fight” — I kind of just liked a little bit of, as an anthem. His name was something I had never really considered at the beginning. He was always just “Cappie” to me. And then when people started to say, like, “What’s his real name?” and I was like, “I never thought of his real name. he’s Cappie.” So I wanted to have something that was meaningful, and as the episodes went on and people were like, “What’s his name? What’s his name? We have to know!” I was like, “Oh my, God, this has got to be good.”  What I came to in that name was — and what I wanted the end of this to be — was a bit of an anthem for our millennial audience we’ve been so aware of through the run of the series. Things are rough right now. There are no jobs, but keeping that fighting spirit and say, “We can get through this together” was the thing I really liked in his name. [It] kind of brought that all together for me. And that he does have that spirit, that he’s only begun to fight, that he’s always going to be living the life that he wants to live as opposed to just slipping into complacency. When we talked about Cappie growing up, I was like, I will never imagine Cappie in a Volvo, coming home from work with a briefcase. I would sooner be happy seeing him sell sandals on the beach than see him just fall into a normal, ordinary life of adulthood. So that’s one thing I’ve seen in my mind past the series.

Were there any big reject names?
The big reject name was John Smith. The obvious reject is because it’s too close to my name, which I was worried that people would see it as the arrogance of putting myself in the show. [Laughs] But the thing I liked about it was that his name was too ordinary for his spirit. For who he was, he was too big for a John Smith, so he would forever be Cappie. And also the John Smith of it as well, and as you called out Big, I was like “Ugh, I don’t want to be too close to that,” because that was just an ordinary thing. In Cappie’s character, I love the struggle for the kid growing up, saying, “I don’t want to be a normal person.” In that Breakfast Club kind of way, I don’t want to grow old and have my heart die. I want to keep my heart alive, and I want to enjoy every second of it. But him having a name that wasn’t worthy of that energy — with no disrespect to the John Smiths of the world.

Cue the hate mail from John Smiths.
[Laughs]

Do you have a favorite pop culture comedic moment? Honestly, I’ll never forget Star Wars sex.
I’m going to get hate mail from John Smith and George Lucas. That was something that we tried so desperately to get into the third season, and that was like, coming into the fourth season and when I thought we were done before, there were all these things that I was like, “Aw, I always wanted to do that, we never did a toga party…” Just before we even started the room in the fourth season, I took time to write down a list of all the stuff that I wanted to do and felt bad that we didn’t have a chance to do. So we brought that into this ten. But the Star Wars thing I loved. Dale’s speech during the U Sag battles in courts to keep the Greek system with the restriction, and how he [channeled] Howard Dean, and waved his arms, and sweat stains. That was something I could walk a million times over. Catherine, this season, just was so funny, and anything I would watch her do would just kill me, and the repartee that Catherine and Casey had in the later years was brilliant.

Was there anything on the list you didn’t get to do?
There was one thing that one of the writers on staff, Matt Whitney, was pushing the entire time that I thought would be really funny. The beer pong world championship, and the idea of them going to face off with all these different beer pong champions seemed kind of like an interesting world to get into and fun.

So what’s next?
This is my first experience developing, so there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do. I had a script come in with Imagine Television which I’m thoroughly excited about. I’m just the biggest Friday Night Lights and Parenthood fan. So nothing definite, but a lot of irons in the fire, so to speak.

(Additional reporting by Maggie Pehanick and Hillary Busis)

House Season Finale Recap: 6.22 “Help Me”

Source: TVGuide.com

A crane collapse leaves House and Cuddy struggling to see eye-to-eye on how to proceed with a victim trapped under the wreckage. As the two continue to disagree, Cuddy reaches her breaking point and tells House what she really thinks of him.

House Must Handle a Crane Collapse … And Cuddy’s Big News
This week’s Season 6 finale episode opens with a montage of a bloody and battered House surrounded by shards of glass and a very quick flash of some prescription pill bottles. From there we flash back eight hours to find House entering Cuddy’s office as she’s putting on a jumpsuit and heading out a disaster in Trenton, N.J., caused by a crane collapse.

House, who could care less, hands Cuddy a gift — the book her great grandfather wrote that House made Alvie steal last episode. Cuddy is surprised that House would give her such a thoughtful gift, as she is about House’s inscription on front the page that says, “To Lisa and Lucas, Here’s to a new chapter. Best, Greg” Looks like someone’s trying to be the bigger man about the two moving in together. But of course, the hesitation in Cuddy response leads House to believe there’s trouble in paradise.

Cuddy demands that House hop on his motorcycle and help tend to the victims of the crane collapse. But when he arrives, House seems to be focused on the driver of the crane because he is convinced he passed out on the job (as opposed to fell asleep). Cuddy quickly slams the idea of House running back to the hospital to treat the man, who is stable, when there are dozens of victims who are not. House begrudgingly stays and has his team deal with the operator, but when he goes to take a break, he hears a noise and thinks someone is trapped under a mound of concrete and rubble. The rescue workers check out the situation, but determine no one is there. House, being, well, House, refuses to listen to them and crawls under the rubble to get a look for himself. After jolting horror-movie moment when a hand shoots out of the dark and grabs House’s cane, we learn a woman, Hannah, is in fact trapped under the collapsed concrete.

House’s World Crumbles
As the rescue workers try to free the woman, House presses Cuddy to find out if she and Lucas are having issues. But House’s world is rocked when she tells him the only reason she hesitated when he gave her the gift was because she and Lucas got engaged the night before. After a moment where House refuses to believe they are happily engaged, House and Cuddy are called back in to see Hannah. The rescue workers say she can’t be freed without risking more of a collapse, and therefore amputation is necessary.

Cuddy tries to explain to Hannah that the longer her leg is pinned, the higher the risk of complications from crush syndrome, but House bitterly cuts her off and tells Hannah no one is going to cut her leg off because the rescue workers will have to try harder to figure out how to safely free her. Clearly, there’s some pent-up aggression there toward Cuddy in light of her pending nuptials. Hannah obviously likes House’s anti-amputation stance more, so the rescue team continues their efforts.

Back at the hospital, the team is trying to get to the bottom of the crane operator’s symptoms, and Thirteen shows up late with the excuse that she was at physical therapy. Neither Taub nor I, am buying it. When Taub catches her leaving a note on House’s desk later on asking for time off, it’s pretty clear that Taub and I are extremely sharp people.  

House tries to return to his team and the crane operator, but Cuddy runs over and tells him Hannah is having a panic attack and only House can calm her down. House turns off his motorcycle and heads back to help. He and Hannah get in a deep conversation as they begin to talk about God and how she thought only good things happen to good people. House tells her he tried to be one of those good people and isn’t so sure that’s how things work.

House Experiences a Different Kind of Light Bulb Moment
The rescue workers try a new tactic to remove Hannah, but their attempt results in a huge collapse under the rubble. House and the rescue worker are OK, but Hannah’s lung collapses. When they finally get her stabilized, Cuddy tries to tell House that the only option to save her is amputation. “Really, because I think I’m the only one here who knows what a leg is worth,” House barks. Cuddy then tells House not to put Hannah’s life at stake just to get back at her, and that’s when things between the two really get heated. House calls her a pathetic narcissist, amongst other things, and Cuddy goes for the low blow with, “I don’t love you.” But Cuddy finally reaches her breaking point when she tells House she’s done with him. “I’m moving on, Wilson’s moving on, and you? You’ve got nothing.” Ouch.

As Cuddy goes on her own to try to rationalize a leg amputation with Hannah, House, having really heard Cuddy’s words, joins them and tells Hannah the story about his bum leg. He recounts how he had a blood clot and the doctors wanted to amputate, but he instead opted for a risky operation in which he almost died. He tells her that even though they saved his leg after cutting out a big chunk of muscle, he wishes they hadn’t because he’s now in pain everyday. “It changed me. Made me a harder person — a worse person. Now I’m all alone. You don’t want to be like me,” House says. Hannah finally agrees and House takes her hand in a truly touching moment before performing the amputation.

House’s Downward Spiral Comes to a Head
Following the removal of Hannah’s leg (which was not shown but still managed to make my stomach turn from the sawing noise and screaming), House jumps in the ambulance with her without saying a word to Cuddy. But on the way, Hannah can’t breathe and House thinks it’s a clot in her lung that happened because he “waited too long.” Unfortunately, House is wrong. It’s a fat embolism from the amputation, and there’s nothing that can be done. He and Hannah just look at each other, almost as though he’s apologizing. They arrive at the hospital and as the House’s team arrives to help, they find Hannah is dead.

Foreman tries to console the visibly despondent House by telling him there’s no way to prevent a fat embolism. “That’s the point. I did everything right; she died any way,” House screams at Foreman. (Kind of like how he’s been doing everything Dr. Nolan has been telling him to do and he’s still miserable and alone?) Foreman tells him he shouldn’t be alone in this state of mind and House tells him, “as and employee,” to get out of his way.

As House returns to his apartment, we finally catch up with the first scene of the episode. House looks at himself in the bathroom mirror, thinks of Hannah in her final moments, rips the mirror off the wall, and tosses it aside to reveal a hole in the wall containing two bottles of persecription medication.

Just as House is about to take the drugs, in walks Cuddy, still in her scrubs. House asks if she’s there to stop him from popping the pills, and she says it’s up to him if he wants to go back on drugs. House still doesn’t understand why she’s there, and then she mentions Lucas. House assumes the conversation is about to take a turn for the worst, but Cuddy cuts him off and says she called things off with Lucas. Why? “All I could think about is you,” Cuddy says, adding that she was stuck in that relationship.

“I’m the most screwed up person in the world,” House sadly replies.

“I know, and I love you. I wish I didn’t, but I can’t help it,” Cuddy says. House gets up from the bathroom floor and the two finally kiss.

And for those of you who thought House was having another hallucination (like I did), the writers went out of their way to add a telling tidbit of dialogue. House asks how he can be sure he’s not hallucinating the whole thing. “Did you take the pills?” Cuddy asks. House looks down at his hand to see the Vicodin still there. He drops them to the ground and embraces Cuddy’s hand as the two continue their passionate kiss. Finally!

All I know is I better not tune in to the Season 7 premiere to find out it was all some dream/hallucination/vision or any other cop-out. My emotions can be toyed with only so much.

What did you think of the season finale? Who’s happy Huddy is finally official? What do you think next season will be like now that the two are an item? How do you think House will be with Cuddy’s baby? And by the way, what’s the deal with Thirteen?

America’s Next Top Model Finale Recap: Krista Wins!

‘America’s Next Top Model’ finale recap: Easy, breezy, ‘ugly pretty’

Source: EW

top-model

Do I have Stockholm Syndrome, or were these last two episodes kind of good? Sure, it lacked the intensity and lunacy that are supposed to be Top Model‘s calling card, but by the time we got to the runway show, I was legitimately wondering who was going to win. But first, we slogged through the outrageous concept of “ugly pretty.” Or as the sane world calls it, “nonsense.”

Krista was flying high after notching yet another win, so naturally Alexandra was feeling especially grumpy. I tried to like Alexandra all season, but it turns out her major contribution to my life will always be her epic wipeout, and no matter how she tries to zing Raina for “acting like a 12-year-old,” all I can hear is myself laughing at her for falling off the runway. Sorry, toots. Your Katherine Heigl-meets-Ali Larter looks just aren’t enough to endear you to any of us.

André swung by Chez Modelhaus: NZ to bring the girls all flowers (um, awww) and answer their obviously coached questions. I’m not going to bodysnark on the guy, but: If you’re large and in charge, and you wear some seriously flowy robes all the time, and you insist on lounging sideways, you run the risk of looking more than a little like Jabba the Hutt. It’s just a warning. He told everyone about being Andy Warhol’s intern and filled their heads with visions of sugar plums and international success. Just kidding, it was visions of having dinner with Karl Lagerfeld. The idea of Angelea and Karl chilling out back and relaxing all cool is both incredibly disturbing and somehow a perfect buddy comedy. Sheeee’s an awkward fish-out-of water who calls everyone a “bitch”. Heeee’s an eccentric fashion genius who speaks only in murmurs. They are both very thin! Coming to NBC!

Anyway. Also, if you haven’t seen The September Issue, allow this moment of André to be your nudge. He comes across as sort of silly, yes, but also kind of brilliant in his own affected, contrived way. It’s kind of charming.

The ladies boarded a flight to Queenstown only to discover that both Mr. and Ms. Jay were there to taunt them. Er, host a challenge. Everyone had to do a fun, personality-filled runway walk down the aisle of the plane! Is this worse than a crying baby on board? How about worse than a B.O.-emitting seatmate? I really hope this was a Top Model only flight, otherwise…sad trombone on the rest of those passengers. When I want emaciated lunatics waltzing up and down the aisle and stealing my sunglasses, I take Greyhound.

Alexandra was deemed overly flouncy, while Raina was too wooden, and Angelea didn’t seem to take it seriously. To the shock of no one, Krista won yet another challenge.

Let’s take a moment here to high five the New Zealand tourism bureau, because boy howdy was the landscape footage gorgeous. I’m not sure what I would do there necessarily — the number of people attempting to slather me in black lipstick and tie me up in a corset is pathetically low — but I want to go and run around and sigh and stuff. That’s what vacations are for, right? Sighing?

The theme to the shoot: “Ugly Pretty.” And also “bye bye, two of you.” Yes, it was double-elimination time, which sent the ladies positively reeling. What sent me reeling was how crazypants everyone looked. Black lipstick is tough, weird-ass Helena Bonham Carter hair is tough, corsets are tough, and 1776 costume castoffs as seen through a cloud of Peyote smoke, well, that’s tough too.

In any case, Krista did a good job, Alexandra looked sort of like Lauren Ambrose on crack, Raina pronounced “corset” strangely, and Angelea couldn’t follow Jay’s directions. It was pretty much business as usual, considering the business is doing ridiculous things and pretending it’s not absurd.

“I’m not here to have Angelea hang out with me,” Mr. Jay insisted. He was thisclose to uttering the reality catchphrase of the century, “I’m not here to make friends.” Oh well. That probably would have destabilized the entire universe if a non-contestant had said it.

Back at the house, Krista had like 19 different little jewelry boxes to open, and some of the other modeltestants noted that a few of the items were the same. It seemed like the nice thing to do would have been to share a little — how many weird silver feather necklaces does one person need? — but whatever, she won them fair and square.

Judging time! Everyone was all dressed up… except for Alexandra, who was wearing gold-buttoned sailor-front shorts. My eyes! Those shorts were not doing her any favors, but given André’s robes and Tyra’s jumpsuits this season, she hasn’t had a lot to learn from. It’s like in Nell, how the isolated twins learned to speak a weird distorted language with each other. This whole show is like Nell language, but with terrible clothes. Tay ina wiiin!

Raina’s photo was fantastic, but she was sporting some intense side eyes, and she was scolded for being too pretty. (Not a thing. This dish is too delicious, please send it back to the kitchen.) Angelea’s photo was out of focus. Like, completely and totally out of focus, so the close-up of her face was blurry and strange. Luckily, no one mentioned it. How does that get ignored? Nigel is a photographer, and everyone has working eyeballs, yet no one felt the need to acknowledge that Angelea’s photo was a technical disaster. Krista, who had reattached her ponytail, had far and away the best photo, and Alexandra looked sort of off.

And then the judges engaged in the most meaningless conversation ever about “ugly pretty” not edging to “ugly ugly.” It was basically this, but not funny:

Blah blah blah, it went on forever. This week’s winner: Krista! She bugged out, predictably, and then made that familiar Top Model math mistake of claiming that she now had a 50/50 chance of winning. False! It’s only 50/50 if the winner is chosen at random! There are other factors at play here. Come on, people. A little math literacy is all I ask. (Well, it’s almost all I ask for. I also ask for Diet Cokes, as far as the eye can see.)

Which two were going to be sent a-packin’, and who was going to move on? By now, there wasn’t really any suspense: Alexandra had failed to deliver at any point in the competition, and Angelea had been slipping for weeks. Raina had the advantage of being really beautiful and good at modeling, so I wasn’t all that surprised when she made the cut. Farewell, Angelea, and thanks for squeezing in “bitch” just one more time. Also, nice leopard-print bra! (I lame the Nell factor again — Tyra’s bra, after all, has been showing at various points all season.) Bye, Alexandra! You were a non-entity!

Whew! That’s usually where I’d wrap up my recap. But we have a whole other episode to go. To my complete shock, this finale episode was solid, and it even contained emotions. Like a real show, almost.

“Holy schnike,” Raina said, because that is totally a saying. Back in the day, Tommy Boy fans, myself included, dropped a “holy schnikey” or two, but an abbreviation that rhymes with “hike”? Not allowed. Also, Raina’s only 22 — Tommy Boy-ish references this week, a Full House one last week… isn’t she a teeny bit young for those? Here’s hoping she busts out some Empty Nest references next.

Raina and Krista gushed about being in the top two, but I was pretty distracted by the flipped-over bed in the corner and what seemed to be writing on the sliding door. What the hell did they do to this apartment?

A helicopter ride and some sumptuous landscape porn later, Krista and Raina were in new, un-destroyed digs, where they were presented with the script for their Makeup Company commercial. It’s this point in every cycle where I wonder: Has no one on this show ever gone to middle school? I know rote memorization isn’t a particularly sophisticated pedagogical technique, but didn’t you guys have to take quizzes? I can still rattle off the first 10 elements on the periodic table, recite the first chunk of the Gettysburg Address, and get through most of the Greek alphabet (but only to the tune of “boomdeyadda“). No one else? How hard is memorizing what seems to be a one-minute monologue? Use the method of loci and pull yourselves together, modeltestants.

Last season’s winner, Bloody Eyeball Nicole, was on hand to coach the girls, but I was too distracted by her strangely ratty and too-orange hair. This made me a sad panda. Nicole’s hair was so perfect, even in humidity last season. She gave curly-haired ladies such as myself a shred of hope. Oh, well.

Raina’s glamor shot went well, but Krista froze during the commercial shoot. Duh. This happens every single cycle. Raina also flubbed her lines a few times, and Krista looked a little harsh in the still shots. Maybe it’s because her bedtime attire appeared to be a heavy-duty sleep mask, a scarf, and a gigantic velvet (?) blanket/hood over her face. I guess she really means business when she goes to sleep.

The Seventeen shoot was nondescript, even if they seemed to skip over the magazine’s primary purpose, which as I remember it was to tell tween girls that using tampons doesn’t mean you’re not a virgin. Apparently there’s also fashion stuff?

And then the whole season seemed to redeem itself (well, almost), when Tyra surprised Krista and Raina with a visit from their families. Krista’s mom and stepdad and Raina’s father were there, and they each did a family portrait photo shoot. I am not above admitting that I got a little choked up. It was very adorable! I just wish we had seen those photos at panel. Oh, well, again, times infinity.

Half the season’s cast got to walk in the Anna Sui fashion show along with the two finalists, but the show itself didn’t seem nearly chaotic enough, based on previous cycles, Project Runway, and the jillions of behind-the-scenes fashion TV shows and movies I’ve apparently watched. Where were the bare breasts? The too small shoes? The Polaroid wall? The panicky intern with a headset? This hardly seemed like a real fashion show at all! What’s that? It wasn’t? Oh.

Raina’s walk was slow and sort of stampy, while Krista’s was more graceful, but it was tough to see either through the bizarre and worthless filter the show used for this part. I’m glad a music video from the early ’90s was so inspiring for everyone, but it was seriously distracting as a viewer.

Backstage, Tyra tried to trick Raina and Krista into saying things that were personal and meaningful, as if she gave a rat’s ass. Once upon a time, Tyra used to go to the models’ house and talk to all of them about, oh, body issues and girl fights and stuff, and then everyone had one-on-one sessions where they bonded with Tyra and often cried. Nowadays, we get two measly, poorly thought-out questions backstage after a fashion show. Thumbs down.

Time for judging, again! Tyra’s jumpsuit this time appeared to be an avant garde architectural interpretation of a Grimace costume. Raina’s feathery skirt had a bustle/tail, and Krista’s shoes were ridiculous pouf balls. It was…a lot of look.

Raina’s beauty shot was gorgeous, but André said she didn’t glow enough. Krista’s close-up was my least favorite photo of her all cycle — it was harsh and sort of flat. The commercial was atrocious (that was a given, right?), and neither woman really distinguished herself with her on-camera style: Raina was squinting, but Krista looked a bit pained and sweaty.

So who would it be? Krista or Raina? Chalk or cheese, per Nigel’s description? No eyebrows or serious eyebrows? America’s next top model is…

Krista!

I was a tiny bit sad for Raina, but her sunny disposition seemed to be fully intact, and it’s tough to argue with a winner as gorgeous and consistent as Krista. Are most “real” models pretty much retired by the time they’re 25? Sure. Does reality affect this show in any way? Obviously not.

So, there you have it, Model Citizens. Another cycle down. Despite a pretty good finale, this season was a dud at best, rock bottom at worst. Krista deserved to win, but does the show deserve to go on? How would you save it? And what was Tyra’s worst jumpsuit of the season?

Supernatural Season 5 Premiere Recap “Sympathy for the Devil”

‘Supernatural’ Premiere: The Devil is in Delaware

Leave it to ‘Supernatural’ to pick up exactly where they left us at the end of season 5 – with the Winchester brothers in the abandoned convent, a portal to hell opening at their feet and the knowledge that they are about to meet Lucifer and unmake the world.

Supernatural Episode Recap: “Sympathy for the Devil”

The apocalypse is starting; Lucifer is rising; the world is experiencing disasters of epic proportions. What are Sam and Dean doing? Well, they are dealing with the fallout from last year. Find something to hold onto because from the looks of it, Season 5 is going to be a bumpy ride. Bumpy in the best way possible, of course.

This premiere rocked, didn’t it? And I’m not just talking about AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck,” the song that accompanied the Season 4 recap at the beginning of the episode. To me, “Sympathy for the Devil” is a great set-up to what I’m betting will be an amazing saga. It’s also awesome to see Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki doing a great job with the troubled relationship that is the Winchester brothers. It has to be troubled after what went on last season. Sam trusting Ruby over Dean isn’t something Dean’s just going to forget. Sam losing himself to what turned out to be an addiction is going to mean a lot of struggle, introspection, and hopefully a lot of growth for the younger brother. I’m looking forward to seeing how all of that is going to play out and I hope you guys are too.

Sound off on the new season and tell us what you think after you watch the premiere.

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Supernatural Episode Discussion: “Sympathy for the Devil”

Supernatural

Tonight marks the fifth-season premiere of the CW’s Supernatural. When we last saw Sam and Dean, they were on very different paths. Series creator Eric Kripke has said that the series is on a five-year plan. Could this season be the end of the Winchester brothers’ story? And does that necessarily equal the end of Supernatural?

Sound off on the new season and tell us what you think after you watch the premiere.

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The Secret Life of the American Teenager Season 2 Premiere Recap “The Big One”

‘The Secret Life of the American Teenager’: Someone else is pregnant

Shailenewoodley_secretlifeoftheamericanteenager_s3_290 Source: Zap2it.com Recaps

When we last left “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” our pregnant teenage hero was no longer pregnant, having given birth to a beautiful bundle of joy. She’d also secured the cushiest part-time job ever at a church-run daycare. The daycare would not only pay her, but watch the little one for free and was also going to give her health insurance. I had no idea that being a teenage mom was quite so easy, but what I did know was that with the start of a new season, life was about to throw Amy Juergens a few more curveballs.

We saw immediately that Amy hasn’t been having it all that easy with John – even with help, taking care of an infant isn’t simple. It was nice to see that while the show went fantasy on the part-time job with full benefits thing, they’re not completely glossing over the hardships of parenthood.

At the end of last season, we all sort of suspected that Anne might find herself with child this season, and before the opening credits, Amy had the same suspicion. Thank goodness they didn’t make us wait to find out the truth there (and I’m going to tell you right now, which isn’t a spoiler because this is a recap of the show, heck, I might even tell you more important things later), Anne is in fact pregnant. Of course, that left us with the ultimate question – George or David?

I’m hoping for George. I know that his relationship with Anne is on the skids what with the divorce and all, but I’m still hoping that they work it out. Yes, George claimed that he’s been “neutered,” but I’m not convinced that’s true and even if it was, those things don’t always work.

Think about how good it would be for Amy if the new kid was George’s. If George and Anne get back together they could move in together which would allow Amy to live in the other house right next door. I don’t think George and Anne should just let her have the house, some sort of payment schedule ought to exist, but it would be another step towards adulthood for Amy, and that’s never a bad thing.

As for Grace and Jack, they jumped into the whole sex thing, awfully quickly, didn’t they? The relationship was obviously headed in that direction, but I thought the deed would occur much later in the season. Clearly though, with Grace’s dad dying in a plane crash as she was having sex, Grace is not going to be doing it again anytime soon.

The other surprise with Grace wanting to have sex with Jack was Adrian stopping them during their initial attempt. I definitely didn’t see that coming. I know that Adrian from time to time comes up with good ideas, but after last season’s Max thing I didn’t think her good ideas were ever in the sex department.

Even if you think I’m wrong with Max, what about her wanting to have sex with Ricky tonight despite her dad being right in the living room? The girl has a weird relationship with sex and to hear good advice in that area come out of her mouth was surprising.

Bits and pieces:

  • What do you make of The Sausage King’s new woman, Betty? Is she just after him because he’s the king or is there more to it? There’s no way Leo’s paying for those dates, right (wouldn’t Betty have provided her own condom if Leo was paying)?
  • Next question — Ben, Ricky, and Amy… do you think Ricky still has any designs on Amy or was he offering to stay the night simply out of the goodness of his heart? Tell me goodness of his heart, please tell me goodness of his heart. I don’t believe it, but I’m hoping.

The Winner of American Idol is…. Kris Allen!

‘American Idol’ crowns a winner — Kris Allen!

Source: Zap2it.com Recaps

Tonight “American Idol” crowned Kris Allen as the winner of season 8. Congratulations, Kris!

Ryan welcomes us to the circus that is the “American Idol” finale show. He informs us that just under 100 million votes came in, which brings the season total to 624 million votes, which is a record.

We now say hello to the judges. Randy is dressed like the Nutty Professor, Kara and Paula are beautiful and Simon has on the same clothes from last night. Their video montages are hilarious. Randy’s is full of “for me,” Kara is full of “sweetie” and “honey,” Paula’s is full of big-word salad, and Simon’s is full of all the times he either didn’t hear or wasn’t paying attention.

Ryan brings out the finalists. They both seem a little shell-shocked. We check in with Conway, Arkansas and Mikalah Gordon. Mikalah has become very monochromatic and appears to have stolen Lisa Rinna’s lips. In San Diego, we have the awesome Carly Smithson.

We kick off the myriad of performances with the Top 13 singing “So What” while dressed all in white. The choreography is hilarious, it’s like the Show Choir Rejects. And then Allison yells at us and there’s a scary crotch-shot when she kicks her leg up. Alexis looks so hot and I am saddened that she is not on the tour. This group seems to be having so much fun together, I want to go on tour with them! I can carry an amp or something!

David Cook time. He performs “Permanent,” which is a beautiful piano number, very subdued and not at all what I was expecting. Very nice.The rock part kicks in on the bridge and there’s a couple great big notes, then a subdued ending. Really enjoyed that, David. Seacrest and David inform us that “Permanent” will be on iTunes after the show and the proceeds will go to ABCSquared (I can’t do a little 2 on my computer), which is a cancer foundation. David’s brother recently passed away from brain cancer. Awww, I’m all sniffly over here.

Now we have one of my least-favorite filler segments, the Golden Idol awards. I really don’t need to revisit the crazypants people from this season. Sigh. The nominees for Outstanding Male are Will Kunick (who sang “Mad World” very badly), Michael Gurr (who creepily moaned… something), Elijah Scarlett (Barry White, minus the vocal talent), Dean-Anthony Bradford (who shot the couch and made a jacket, then screamed some stuff at us with his scary monkey face. Also, his “agent” emailed me to inform me to look out for him on Idol), and Norman Gentle (I’m sure no reminder is necessary). Norman Gentle wins, strips off his clothes and sings “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going.” This was mildly funny the first time, but I’m really over it.

Once that trainwreck is over, we have Lil Rounds singing with Queen Latifah on “Cue the Rain.” It’s pretty good, actually. Lil should be in some kind of Destiny’s Child girl group because she sounds so much better when she has a buddy to sing with. They have some decent harmony and sound excellent when they sing in unison. Outfit-wise, Lil looks awesome in a black & white bustier top. As for Queen L… I’ll let Alert Commenter Mel say it for me: “WHY is Queen Latifah in that unitard.” Seriously.

Now we have Jason Mraz, Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace performing “I’m Yours.” Man, I wish Kris Allen had done this on Idol this season. Why couldn’t this be his duet tonight? Bah. Anyway, it’s nice with Anoop and Alexis, even if she’s dressed a like Pixie Hooker. Oh, then the other Idols join them for backup.

Kris Allen’s video montage. It’s a lot of Kris being adorable. He then performs “Kiss a Girl” with Keith Urban. They sound great together and are totally rocking their guitars, what an excellent duet.

**You know that commercial for Electrolux with Kelly Ripa? I can’t decide if she really is the perfect perky housewife or if she is downing pain killers with vodka and beating her kids with wire hangers.**

**Also, the Boy Band Frostee commercial for Wendy’s? Would’ve been sort-of funny like 7 years ago.**

Next the female members of the Top 13 are doing “Glamorous.” Allison looks like she forgot to put her dress on, it’s a black slip over black nylons and boots. Fergie comes strutting out singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and I am thinking, “Man, do you remember how cute she was on Kids, Incorporated?” Nowadays, she is in the dictionary next to the word “Butterface.” This leads into the Black Eyed Peas. Raise your hand if you knew they were still performing together? Yeah, me neither.

Time for more Golden Idols. For Best Attitude, we get Bikini Girl (I hate her… so much… it flames… FLAMES… on the side of my face… heaving breaths), Alexis Cohen (get this girl some medication), and Tiffany Shedd (does she sing “Because of you I learned to PEE on the same side so I don’t get hurt?”). Katrina wins and struts out onstage in her bikini with what look like softballs on her chest. God, she’s gross.

She gets to come out and sing “Visions of Love” and she is still a singer who has a couple good spots and some vibrato and thinks she can sing. THEN Kara Dioguardi comes out to sing with/against Katrina and it’s great. Katrina just has to stand there and look like a complete ass in a bikini, which is really all the poor girl is good for, so whatever. During the big glory note, Kara unbuttons her dress to reveal a bikini. Apparently Ryan and the judges bet her she wouldn’t do it, so now they are donating to her favorite charity.

I just… I don’t even know what is happening right now. I feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit by way of the skank bus and some little person is going to welcome me to the Black Lodge and speak backwards. When do we find out the winner? WHEN? Oh my god, we’re only half-way through y’all.

Allison is back, Allison is back! She’s doing “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper (hopefully not drunk). In fact, Cyndi is rocking a… lap guitar? No matter, it’s still cool, and they both sound great. What an awesome duet, especially the harmony on the chorus and their alternating on the end. So gorgeous! And thank God they didn’t do some creepy Phantom-Ingenue thing with her, like poor Katharine McPhee had to do with Meatloaf.

We check in with the Allen family and Lambert family. Kris wins the Adorable Family Contest, but he’s so adorable himself that I wouldn’t be surprised if his mother was Swedish and his father was a tiny little bunny.

Danny Gokey time. He’s doing “Hello” and it’s a real shame they didn’t have a blind woman making a bust of him out of clay right there on stage. That would’ve been awesome. For all of you who are just convinced I have a Danny Gokey VooDoo doll in my room, I think he sounds great. I got a little spoiled on this song because of David Cook’s version, but Danny still does a great job. Lionel Ritchie comes out and they sing “Just Go” together. Does anybody else get Lionel Ritchie and Smokey Robinson confused sometimes? Just me?

They transition into “All Night Long.” Hey, remember that commercial where noctural animals sang this in night vision? My brother once said, “I had the TV muted the first time I saw that commercial and it scared the bejeesus out of me.” Heh heh. Lionel and Danny seem to having a great time together, it’s delightful to watch.

Up next is Adam Lambert’s video montage. The highlight is when he absolutely scared the poop out of Randy Travis. Snerk. Tonight he sings “Beth” by KISS and he is dressed like Riff-Raff at the end of Rocky Horror, which is at least a branch-out from Dr. Frank-n-furter. KISS then comes out, which is AWESOME. I did not actually know they were going to be on the show.They do “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock n Roll All Night (and Party Every Day).”

Adam sounds great and I try not to be distracted by the one guitar player who is way too old and hairy to be wearing a chest-less onesie. I kind of forgot how much KISS looks like Ax, Smash and Crush in Demolition.

Carlos Santana time. He’s doing “Black Magic Woman” or “The Song From the Creepy Lizard Sobe Commercials.” I was starting to think apparently Carlos Santana doesn’t HAVE to perform with any Idols, sort-of an “I’m Carlos Santana, bitch!” Chappelle show thing, but then Matt Giraud pops on-screen and I realize I am mistaken.

All the Idols come out and groove to “Smooth” and Jorge gets a nice solo. Like they went, hey here’s a Latin artist, let’s give the Hispanic guy a solo! Oh god, did you just see Danny Gokey thrust his crotch on “make it REAL?” Scary stuff. No more crotch-thrusting, please.

Star Watch: Heather Locklear, Camryn Manheim (two nights in a row, Camryn!), possibly Mandisa, and Courteney Cox (I love you, Courteney Cox!) Update: thanks to Alert Commenter Sissers, that was not Courteney and was, in fact, Janice Dickenson. I am *deeply* shamed. Guh. I hate that woman.

The final Ford Music Video is “I Will Remember You” by Kris and Adam and it sounds fabulous! Put that on iTunes, please. The actual video is a montage of this season’s other Ford Music Videos.

David Cook then “surprises” the final two with brand-new 2010 Ford Fusion Hybrids. That’s awesome, though the surprise element is suspect.

STEVE MARTIN TIME! I love him so much. He “gets” to perform with Michael Sarver and Megan Joy. I kid, I kid, but still… out of all the Top 10, Steve Martin gets them? They do an okay job, but there are some REAL rough spots many, many rough spots. Oh dear lord. When asked who is going to win, Steve replied, “Well, I know it’s a long shot but I hope I do.” Heh heh.

The male Idols now perform “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” while dressed like the Reservoir Dogs. I think Anoop is Mr. Blonde, he’s got a little crazy lurking in there. Kris is Mr. Orange and Adam is his Mr. White. Rod Stewart arrives in the same jacket that creepy Dean-Anthony Whatever had on earlier. He sings “Maggie May,” though, which is just a great song. Uh… is Rod Stewart drunk?

Star Watch: over the shoulder of some bleached-blonde guy I should probably know, Michael Cera appears to be in the house

Oh god, another Golden Idol. Outstanding Female is between Chelsea Marquardt (the Prince from “Shrek?”), Irene Anguelova (I didn’t know Moaning Myrtle was ever on this show), Dana Moreno, and Tatiana del Toro. Gee, I wonder who will win? I think if I had to choose between listening to Norman Gentle and Tatiana del Toro, I would choose… having my fingernails ripped off one-by-one.

Tatiana wins and makes a break for the stage while Ryan tries to go to commercial and some security guards try to catch her. It’s stupid and planned and C’MON ALREADY.

Star Watch: Ruben Studdard, with his mouth hanging open at the shenanigans this show has come to since his tenure on Idol. You and me both, Ruben.

Now Adam and Kris sing “We Are the Champions” together. Kris gets the good-for-his-voice lower stuff then Adam takes the higher stuff, it works really well. Then the giant Idol choir comes out and the smoke machine kicks into overdrive and some old dude rocker is playing guitar (sorry, if it’s Queen all I got is Freddy Mercury and he’s dead and though I wouldn’t put it past Idol to resurrect someone, I don’t think it’s him.) and the lights are going crazy and I think I’m having a seizure.

Suddenly there are hands being waved and bright light like I’m crossing over and Kris and Adam are holding hands and a Coca-Cola just popped right out of my computer and peace was declared in the Middle East and I’m crying and I think I peed my pants a little. It’s TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH!

So it’s finally time, guys. We’re here! The moment’s arrived! Before the results, Simon says, “I don’t normally mean this, I thought you were both brilliant. Unusually incredibly nice people and I think that both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night and the future’s all yours.” Awwww.

And your 2009 “American Idol” winner is… KRIS ALLEN!

He’s at a total loss for words. Adam was totally happy for him, which is so great to see. They laugh together after Kris gets his new “American Idol” Winner’s Trophy and then he sings his coronation song. It’s better than last night, did they lower the key? Kris leads the Idols out to the stage in the audience like a little Pied Piper of Cuteness. There are sparks everywhere and lots of big hugs, the best being with his wife after the song ends.

For all the outraged Adam fans, this year in particular I really don’t think it matters who wins. PS: Don’t forget that both Kris and Adam’s versions of “No Boundaries” are available on iTunes, as is David Cook’s “Permanent” and all the money from “Permanent” goes towards ABCSquared.

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