‘The Secret Life of the American Teenager’: Consequences, schmonsequences

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Last week on The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Amy and Ben got married, everyone had fake IDs, and Grace and Ricky were in love. This week the universe returns to its regular order, and none of the aforementioned is true anymore except for the last bit, though I’m not sure it counts if Ricky is still hooking up with Adrian.

We rejoin Tom, Tammy, Grace, and Ricky at the altar, where Tom is trying to get married to Tammy. Grace calls her mom to put a stop to it, spilling the beans about Amy’s wedding in the process. Cut to Amy’s and Ben’s dads unhappily interrupting the hotel room wedding reception. Ben’s dad angrily breaks the news to Ben that being married with an illegal document essentially means he never got married at all. A similar conversation occurs between Amy’s dad and Amy, though Amy catches a break when George says he won’t tell Anne. He and Anne DO have some great sex in the garage, though. Hmm.

Anne has some crazy verbal diarrhea at the divorce lawyers’ office, telling the receptionist all about how incredibly close she and Ashley and Amy are, and how they tell each other about everything. She runs into Mr. Bowman there, who off-handedly mentions Amy and Ben’s wedding. Oof. Of course, Anne confronts Ben and Amy, trying to force Amy to take responsibility for her baby – a hopeless task if I ever saw one. And in the middle of the lecture, Amy feels the baby really moving for the first time. It was probably just trying to claw its way out of your whiny, irresponsible uterus, sweetheart.

Grace, in the meantime, is getting stupider with every episode. She’s happily in love with Ricky, despite the 8,000,000 signs that he’s cheating on her with Adrian. (Sign number one being the fact that Adrian barely stopped short of spelling it out for her the day after she and Ricky’s post-wedding hookup.) Ricky, for his part, does seem to at least believe he loves Grace. Man, sex addicts just get younger and younger these days. (Note to ABC Family: I will be sending you a pitch for my show about kindergarten sex addicts shortly. Adorable AND edgy!)

When Adrian’s dad gets wind of the fake IDs that facilitated the wedding, he confiscates Adrian’s and starts an investigation into the source at school, where Mr. Molina (he’s back after marrying his crazy girlfriend!) and the police bust Joe pretty quickly. Jack, though, collects everyone’s fake IDs and turns HIMSELF in as the ID-making mastermind.  He gets let off with community service, and with the satisfaction of helping out a soul in need.