Blood Is Unfortunately Thicker Than Water on ‘Gossip Girl’

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Last week’s Gossip Girl brought us a step closer to the total dissolution of Chuck Bass, while Blair denounced growing up and Rufus and Lily took a small step towards embracing it. We bore gleeful witness to the Mean Girlification of Nelly Yuki. Nate was missed. Vanessa was not.

Chuck Bass prepares for the reading of his father’s will by parting his hair on the side and slapping on the Union Jack cufflinks, like you do. Uncle Jack escorts Blair into the Palace while telling her that he wants to see her again, after what happened on New Year’s. (Ok, I finally figured it out – Jack Bass looks like Christian Bale, but 50% less hot. See also: Eric Mabius.) Hey, Nate! Nate is here! So is Nate’s hair! Blair listens at the door while the will is being read. Tres charmant. Lily’s lawyer is there repping Lily, and Uncle Jack is named Chuck’s guardian; Chuck’s assets are being held in trust until his eighteenth birthday. Bass Industries will be 29% controlled by the board, 20% by Lily Bass, and…Bart has left a letter for Chuck, which he refuses to read. Blair, bless her heart, busts in and reads it aloud: it essentially says that Bart was always so cruel to Chuck to toughen him up to prepare him for Bart’s death (say what now?) and that the remaining 51% share belongs to him. Chuck shrugs it off and tells Jack he can have it. Blair chases him outside and demands that Chuck finish the letter, while Jack stares creepily through the window at them.

Meanwhile, poor people talk about parental dalliances in Brooklyn, and Dan hits “ignore” when Serena calls him. She walks down the street, listening to her little brother bemoan Jenny’s appearance at all of his dates with Jonathan. Eric then runs into Jenny and Jonathan, squeeing and cooing and making plans for a Hitchcock film fest tonight. At Constance/St. Jude’s, Serena tells Dan that she spoke to Lily and that Lily and Rufus aren’t back together, so Dan can kindly remove his pants now, or something to that effect. Speaking of Lily and Rufus, they sit on a waiting room couch at a Boston adoption agency; Dan calls his father and tells him that he hates lying to Serena, while the Headbands listen in. Penelope shoots a quick li’l email to gg.net proclaiming that Dan is cheating on Serena.

Chuck walks into his father’s office and tells his uncle that he finished reading the letter. He tells Jack that he is indeed going to take over Bass Industries; Jack tells him that this can wait until Chuck turns 18, that Chuck isn’t ready. Chuck tells Jack that he will find a place for him in the company, and squints menacingly. At school, Dan picks up the contents of his locker that have been dumped all over the floor as Blair takes an “apologetic” call from Jack, who suggests that they throw Chuck a surprise party to celebrate his takeover of Bass Industries. Then he hangs up and makes a Georgina Sparks face. Ruh roh. In Boston, the adoption agent (?) tells Rufus and Lily that the child hasn’t filed the paperwork to allow him to be found. The agent offers to contact the adoptive parents to see what their thoughts are on Rufus and Lily contacting their son. At school, Serena attempts to counsel Blair about Chuck, and Blair tells S that Gossip Girl is searching for evidence that Dan is cheating on Serena.

Ew Vanessa! She’s at Dylan’s Candy Bar getting Nate a paint can of swedish fish and another of gummy worms for their two-month anniversary. She gets Dan to tell her what is going on with him (the whole adoption thing) as Nelly Yuki listens in and overacts compulsively. Dan drops his phone, which Nelly Yuki pockets. Just then OMG Muppet Babies! Mini Serena asks Dan how he could cheat on Serena again, while Mini Hazel asks “V” how she failed upward from Dan to Nate. Heh. At the Palace, Jack apologizes to Chuck and offers to take him out tonight, blowing off his dinner with Blair. Oh, there are unattractive women, and a Gossip Girl voiceover that makes no sense until you realize that for some reason they subtracted a reference to cocaine, and then still makes no sense. Serena goes to the gallery to ask Vanessa what is going on with Dan, and Vanessa tells her she doesn’t know. Vanessa looks tormented, or maybe just in need of a good eye cream. At dinner, the Headbands praise Nelly Yuki’s sticktoitiveness, and of course V chooses this moment to text Dan – that is, the Headbands – about “Rufus and Lily’s child.” Blair breaks out the candles and the cleavage for Chuck only to be canceled upon.

The next morning, Lily and Rufus sit in a hotel in Boston, waiting for a phone call: it arrives, bearing the news that the child’s parents don’t want him to be found. At Chuck’s surprise brunch, Blair tells S that Chuck canceled their dinner. Serena makes the Eyebrows of Suspicion at her and Blair snaps that she can’t wait til Serena gets Botox. Heh. I love you, show. Jack texts Blair that he and Chuck are pulling up. Dan and Jenny arrive (Jenny in a SLIP DRESS over a BLACK TURTLENECK, like Courtney Love and Lisa Loeb birthed some sort of demon spawn circa “Reality Bites”) and Serena gushes over her semi-boyfriend. Dan mumbles something about waffles, because waffles are the only currency that Humphreys understand. Jack walks in to a round of “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”, a bizarre Anglicism that is horrifically Blair, until she shuts it down. Jack begins to tell her that Chuck went to his office “after the night we had” before the Headbands interrupt Blair to tell her about the Gossip Girl “hit” they put out on Dan. Penelope asks for Blair’s permission to release the info they have, which Blair gives before finding out WHAT that info is. Jack begins gladhanding board members, sending them off to Chuck’s office, with Blair leading the way.

Jenny gets upset when Eric gently tries to disinvite her from just one date with Jonathan. She storms out while Serena and Dan have some weird business involving eclairs that are reserved for Chuck? Is that some sort of craft-service inside joke? Just then, the gg blast goes out, and Jenny’s face falls as everyone turns to stare at Dan and Serena. The music comes up – “you can only take so much” – as Serena turns and walks away; as Blair leads the board members into the office to find Chuck doing drugs with two lingerie-clad hookers; as Serena begs her boyfriend to tell her it isn’t true; as Jenny and Eric stare at each other, realizing that they are closer to brother and sister than they ever knew. Blair downs a glass of champagne as Chuck confronts her about throwing the party. Dan tries to tell his assembled family – because that’s what it is now, him and Jenny and Serena and Eric, a family, whether they like it or not – that they need to take time to process this, as Serena walks away. In Boston, Rufus tells Lily that he isn’t ready to leave; they fight, and Lily admits that despite everything she’s still in love with Rufus, as he kisses her. They wake up in each other’s arms, reminiscing about their youth, as Rufus’ phone rings with the news that the adoptive father wants to meet with them in secret. He approaches them at a restaurant and tells them that their son Andrew drowned last year. He tells them that it was too painful for his wife to talk about, and shows Rufus the obituary from the newspaper. Why do I not believe anything this guy says?

At the Palace, Chuck confronts his uncle, who admits that he can’t stand being banished to Australia. He tells Chuck that his appointment came with a morality clause, which Chuck has already violated, placing Jack in charge of the company. Serena and Eric talk about the adoption, and that it smells of Grandma Cece: “gin and Chanel No. 5”. Serena wonders if she and Dan can get through this, and Eric tells her that she cannot push Dan away right now. Speaking of, Dan shows up at the gallery looking for Vanessa, but finds Nate instead. Nate tells Dan that when he went through a horrible public humiliation, it showed him who his true friends were. Then he looks pretty some more. Chuck arrives Chez Waldorf, bearing peonies (Blair’s favorite, and mine) and tells Blair that Jack set him up. Blair tells him that she believed in him, as did Bart – only Chuck didn’t believe in Chuck, or in Blair, and so she can’t do it anymore. The Humphrey kids sit in the kitchen and don’t talk about what happened, only to find the Van der Woodsen kids at their front door. Dan apologizes to Serena, who is surreally lovely and gracious about the whole thing. Jenny and Eric apologize simultaneously and craft PB&Js. The  adoptive father and his wife talk about how they had to lie to Rufus and Lily: they already lost one son, and can’t lose another to these big-city types with their money and their lawyers. Rufus and Lily arrive at the Humphrey loft; as Lily tells Rufus that maybe they weren’t meant to be a family, they open the door to find their assorted children eating sandwiches and drinking milk in the kitchen.

Next week: a new teacher and a badder Blair.